2015.

It is with a very heavy heart that I say goodbye to 2015. While I did have good moments with my good friends, I had an unbearable, unimaginable loss. I married my soul mate, just to lose him a few weeks later. Brad used to tell me that I was the strongest person he’s ever met. Some days, I can barely get out of bed, while others I can function as much as I’m able. I’m trying to prove him right and taking things day by day. Luckily, I have some really amazing friends & family who keep me going. I've also gained a lot of new boyfriends (Brad's boys) who watch over me. 2015 is taking a piece of my heart with it, with no year ever being comparable. As 2016 approaches, I know my guardian angel will be guiding me through any obstacle I encounter. I miss him more than words can possibly explain. I love you more than anything in the entire world boo, and I will always be your wife.

A hui hou....until we meet again. I will meet you there. <3 

My last dream before 2016.

Last night Brad was in another dream. In this dream, we didn't have contact. Instead, he was alive but then jumped off a cliff. In this scenario, it was the same thing. He told me I couldn't have saved him. I'm not entirely sure what this dream meant, but I woke up feeling a little weird. I think he is trying to tell me that I couldn't have saved him. And while I love him for that, I still would have done anything to save him. I went through this dream a few different times, and each time I was just a little too late to talk him down, or get him down from there. It breaks my heart entirely, but I know he's trying to ease some of my pain. He is so dearly missed, especially on days like today, when we'd be together. I love you more than anything in the world!

Dream.

I had a random dream about Brad, I can't remember if it was last night, or a few nights before. The days all blur together these days. In my dream, I was crying, and I had almost a 'rewind' button. So I was crying and I looked at him and I said, "If someone knew you were going to die would you want to know?" And he replied, "Absolutely, I'd want to know." So I said, "Brad, you're going to die. But I'm going to try to stop it. I'll sleep down stairs, I'll stay up all night, I'll call 911. But I'll stop it." He then said, "You can't stop it, though." I cried. "Would you do anything differently?" I asked, curious to know if he felt he was ready. "No," he replied. What I would do to really, truly have a rewind button!! I miss you so much boo. Thank you for visiting me.

I'd trade any tomorrow, for one yesterday

“It's when I'm standing six feet away from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you that I want to just scream to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I'm sitting alone with the phone in my hand dialing your number and hanging up that I would trade a thousand tomorrows for just one yesterday. Then I could just call you to tell you goodnight. It's when I am really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you're the only one who really knew me at all. It's when I cry myself to sleep at night and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It's when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

Miss you.

If you could hear me, I would say that our finger prints don't fade from the lives we've touched. ❤️

           ---Remember Me

Broken.

“The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I can't help you.
Why?
There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. It's in a million little pieces.” 

--James Frey, A Million Little Pieces 

 

My world stops.

“The first time I saw you, my heart fell. The second time I saw you, my heart fell. The third time fourth time fifth time and every time since, my heart has fallen.

I stared at her.

You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Your hair, your eyes, your lips, your body that you haven't grown into, the way you walk, smile, laugh, the way your cheeks drop when you're mad or upset, the way you drag your feet when you're tired. Every single thing about you is beautiful.

I stared at her.

When I see you the World stops. It stops and all that exists for me is you and my eyes staring at you. There's nothing else. No noise, no other people, no thoughts or worries, no yesterday, no tomorrow. The World just stops and it is a beautiful place and there is only you. Just you, and my eyes staring at you.

I stared.

When you're gone, the World starts again, and I don't like it as much. I can live in it, but I don't like it. I just walk around in it and wait to see you again and wait for it to stop again. I love it when it stops. It's the best fucking thing I've ever known or ever felt, the best thing, and that, beautiful Girl, is why I stare at you.” 

----James Frey, A Million Little Pieces 

Christmas has come and gone.

This Christmas was definitely a tough one. I saw people who also got married this year, celebrating their first Christmas as a married couple. I spent it without you. On Christmas morning, you were finally in one of my dreams, so it was extremely difficult to wake up. We were in the car together, you were driving, and we were talking. I woke up and immediately tried to go back to sleep, just to be with for you for a little longer. I look forward to the times you will visit me in my dreams. I broke down pretty badly today while driving home from the movies. I saw Sisters with your sisters. It still knocks the wind out of me remembering that you're gone. I am trying so hard to remain strong and hold onto the memories. I have also been drinking a lot of wine. My heart beats so fast sometimes, and I feel like I need to hold it in place. Words don't do justice for how much I miss you. I miss you oh so terribly, boo. Saying 'boo' was such an everyday routine, I catch myself almost saying it to people sometimes, but I want that nickname to be reserved for you. I will still occasionally call Jerbear boo, just as I always would. When people ask me how I am, I always think to myself, 'well, how about my heart? it's in a million little pieces'. I replay those last few days almost daily, what I would have done differently, etc. I'd do absolutely anything to have saved you. People keep telling me that time is going to heal my wounds, but time is making me so much sadder. Time is making it longer from the last time I was with you, and that breaks my heart all over again. I feel like you're so close and I just cant grasp you. I really like spending time with your friends, as well as mine, but it just makes me ache for you so badly. I mourn for you, and I mourn for the Charlie we never got to have. I'm just still flabbergasted that this even happened. How did we get here? What did I miss? Where did we go wrong? I remember telling you that I need to outlive you because you wouldn't be able to live without me. I never once in a million years could have imagined that it would happen before we grew old together. When you lose someone, you realize how much you really loved them. Of course you know that you love them while they're still here, but loss makes you much more aware. I lost my husband, my unborn children, my best friend, my rock, my soulmate, and my entire world. I just hope you know how much I love you and I always will.

“I think of how and why and what happened and the thoughts come easily, but the answers don't.” 

---James Frey, A Million Little Pieces 

Memories.

"Will. For a moment her heart hesitated. She remembered when Will had died, her agony, the long nights alone, reaching across the bed every morning when she woke up, for years expecting to find him there, and only slowly growing accustomed to the fact that side of the bed would always be empty. The moments when she had found something funny and turned to share the joke with him, only to be shocked anew that he was not there. The worst moments, when, sitting alone at breakfast, she had realized that she had forgotten the precise blue of his eyes or the depth of his laugh; that, like the sound of Jem's violin music, they had faded into the distance where memories are silent.” 
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

I just came to say hello

Hi boo, I haven't talked to you in 44 days. Every single one of those days have lasted for what felt like a lifetime. There isn't a single one of those days that I don't talk about you, or think about you all day long. It breaks my heart to know that the number is only going to get higher. I feel so empty not having bought you anything for Christmas. By now, any other year we've been together, you would have given me my gifts. This year I wanted to surprise you with a long weekend somewhere. Either a bed and breakfast in Michigan, or New Orleans, or somewhere we've never been together. There are so many days that I function fine and I'm healing. The other days, I'm anxious, sad, and a mess. I'm gripping onto you so tight because I know that I've lost you and I can't accept that yet. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I will never be ready to say goodbye to you. Remember our first Christmas together this time? You got us tickets to see Wicked in St Louis. We only went for the night and we were just so excited to go away together. I ended up getting a fever and really sick after the play, so you took care of me until I fell asleep. I miss you so much, the words have absolutely no meaning compared to the way I feel. I could never express the emptiness I feel in my heart, and especially in my world. My days are so different. Sometimes I remember the day I lost you, and I cannot breathe. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach, or pushed me to the ground and knocked the wind out of me. I will never get used to that feeling. I like to believe that you're going to come home. I still have your toothbrush in the bathroom. Can you believe it's been this long, boo? 44 days....we couldn't even go 44 hours without one another. And we've made it 44 days. I also wonder if you think about me, still love me, wish you were here. Because I do, I really do, and I wish so badly. My heart absolutely aches for you. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without you next to me. You were my rock. You were my foundation and purpose. You kept me going when I didn't think I could go any longer. I love you more than anything in the world, my boo. I always, always will. Come remind me of a good memory in my dream, boo. Please come visit me, I love you so.

"A part of my very being had gone with him. Stories about us could, from them on, be told from only one perspective. Memories could be told but not shared.” ---John Corey Whaley, Where Things Come Back

 

Burning House.

                                                         "I had a dream about a burning house

                                                     You were stuck inside, I couldn't get you out

I laid beside you and pulled you close

And the two of us went up in smoke

Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong

I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone

I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night

Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right

I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire

But it's the only place that I can hold you tight

In this burning house

See you at a party and you look the same

I could take you back but people don't ever change

Wish that we could go back in time

I'd be the one you thought you'd find

Love isn't all that it seems I did you wrong

I'll stay here with you until this dream is gone

I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night

Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right

I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire

But it's the only place that I can hold you tight

In this burning house

The flames are getting bigger now

In this burning house

I can hold on to you somehow

In this burning house

Oh, and I don't wanna wake up

In this burning house

I've been sleepwalking, been wandering all night

Trying to take what's lost and broke and make it right

I've been sleepwalking too close to the fire

But it's the only place that I can hold you tight

In this burning house"

Cam- Burning House

San Francisco.

I made it back to San Francisco, boo. Just like we said we'd do. I would do absolutely anything to have you here next to me. Or have you next to me at home, in bed, preparing to start a work day in the morning. Things have changed so much, so quickly. I miss sharing my entire day with you. I miss making dinner with you. I miss watching our shows together on the couch. You were my lifeline, boo. You were my anchor. I'm so lost without you. I'm trying to keep it all together and stay strong but the thought of you not being here haunts me. I still can't believe it's real. I have some of your  ashes here with me. I'll make you proud of where I spread them. But God, mark my words....I'd do anything to have him back. Anything. I remember hearing how someone passed and then not long after their spouse did as well. People would always say, "oh so and so, he or she died from a broken heart". I can whole heartedly believe that. I'm not sure how much of my heart is even left. I suppose just enough to keep it beating.

And I, I never understood what was at stake

I have often mentioned to people how sad I was that I hadn't felt Brad's presence. The night he passed, I had a dream about us. We were at a party, but it was a work night for me, and I wanted to leave so I can go to bed. "I'll meet you there. You see that girl over there? She's too drunk to drive, I'm going to drive her home", he said. "No, boo, I need you to come with me. You have to come home", I said. "I'll meet you there. I'll meet you there." I woke up thinking, what in the world was that dream about? Did he cheat on me? I kind of brushed it off. I now know the significance of this dream I had. He was saying goodbye to me, and telling me he will be there waiting for me. The only other dream I've had since he passed was about 2 1/2 weeks later. I walked into the bathroom and he was in there brushing his teeth. "What are you doing? Do you realize what you put me through? They pronounced you dead at the house. How are you here?", I said. This dream left me so sad. I have been wishing he'd just be in the bathroom, or be on the couch, or in our bed, waiting for me. I now know that it just simply isn't possible. No matter how much I cry or beg or plead, it just isn't going to happen. I have to accept that, even if that breaks my heart. I've been talking to my therapist about others telling me they had dreams in which he appeared. In one he was drinking beer, saying how much he loved it. "Why isn't he coming to me? Is he mad at me? Does he not love me anymore? I don't understand where he is", I said to my therapist on Wednesday of last week. "He will come. If he came now, you wouldn't be ready. You think you would, but you're too vulnerable right now, and he knows that", she replied. On Friday I was treated to a hair cut and color by my generous friend Marissa who works at a salon. Her coworkers donated their time, so I was treated to a spa day. Finding parking in Downtown Naperville is often times the biggest pain anyone from the Chicago suburbs can deal with. A song I have found through random playlists on Spotify started playing. I had been listening to this song for a few days- Vance Joy- Georgia. It happened to be the song that was playing as I parked and walked out of my car. So after Marissa did my color, I was sitting there in the chair, and while getting my hair cut, I was telling Londyn about Brad. I was explaining everything that has happened, our relationship, little things. I hadn't heard much of the music that played that day. I finally started to hear a song being played, and realized it was the same exact song I mentioned above. I was walking out, said goodbye to the both of them, and walked to my car. By the time I got to my car, my face and hands felt numb, and my lip would not stop quivering. It was Brad. He finally came to me. So as I drove home, shaking, lips quivering, and crying- I played this song on repeat. I have never felt something so powerful in my entire life. I'm so happy you finally came to visit me, boo. Thank you for coming, I hope to feel you again very soon.

"She is something to behold
Elegant and bold
She is electricity
Running to my soul

And I could easily lose my mind
The way you kiss me a work each time
Calling me to come back to bed
Singing Georgia on my mind

And I...
And I...

Lips generous and warm
You build me up like steps
Eyes innocent and wild
Remind me what it's like

And I could easily lose my mind
The way you kiss me a work each time
Pulling me back into the flames
And I'm burning up again
I'm burning up

And I, I never understood what was at stake
I never thought your love was worth it's wait
Well now you've come and gone
I finally worked it out
I worked it out

I never should have told you
I never should have let you see inside
Don't want it troubling your mind
Won't you let it be
[x4]

And I could easily lose my mind
The way you kiss me a work each time
Pulling me back into the flames
And I'm burning up again, I'm burning up

And I, I never understood what was at stake
I never thought your love was worth it's wait
Well now you've come and gone
I finally worked it out
I worked it out"

Vance Joy-Georgia

Love Always.

I feel myself very often get an overwhelming feeling that I just don't know how to exist without you. You are my entire world, and it's shattered. I'm fighting like hell to be strong and to keep pushing through it. I love you. I breathe for you. 

Where it all began.

I can still remember the day we met like it was yesterday. We had been talking online and on the phone, thanks to a mutual friend who thought we'd like each other. I remember the nervousness in his mannerisms. We decided to go out and see a local band called Wax On Radio play, and he was going to pick me up. My best friend Erin also liked the band, so I made her come with. I was too nervous to meet him on my own. He was shy, quiet, and anxious. I was peaceful. "I have a friend Mikey that we can meet up with before the show", he said. Erin grilled him, like the usual best friend would. "I was nervous that you'd be a serial killer", she said, playfully. This made him even more nervous. When we arrived in DeKalb, we met up with Mikey just as we had planned. We also met up with a friend of mine who also happened to go to Northern Illinois University. I can still feel the crisp fall weather, as if I were standing in it now. Leaves were on the ground, it was cool enough for a light jacket, in early to mid October of 2006. Looking back, I would have never guessed this boy would one day become my husband. He was incredibly gentle, kind, and sweet. Not the typical boy I was used to at 19 years old. We were young, drinking any alcohol that we were able to get from those who are of age. Being as tiny as I was, the alcohol hit me quickly. We arrived at the show, and I remember going to the bathroom with Erin. "What do you think of him?", I said, waiting for her approval. I can still see him sitting in the chair toward the back of the room as I walked out of the bathroom. I will never forget the way he looked at me, because nobody has ever looked at me like that before. I walked straight across the room and sat on his lap, more confident due to the alcohol. I don't think we paid much attention to the band playing that night. We were all over one another, making out like junior high school kids. After the show, we went to McDonald's and then we decided we were going to stay in DeKalb over night because we had been drinking. Erin stayed with our other best friend Brittany who was attending school there. I don't know why Brittany wasn't also out with us this night. I decided to stay with Brad and his friend. We slept on his cold dorm room floor, snuggled up, kissing all night. Mikey's roommate repetitively told us to be quiet, "you guys kiss so loud!" We were so young, neither one of us knew what to expect out of this night, we just wanted it to last forever. I truly believe it's possible to kiss somebody, even for the first time, and know that you could really love them. I remember feeling that and it scared me. His band played a Halloween show that year. He dressed up as a penquin and I was a lady bug. There were over a dozen people in the room and the only one he noticed was me. The way that he looked at me was every girls dream. The guy on stage, playing his guitar, eyes locked on you. We dated for about a month or two that year, getting to know one another. We weren't ready for the type of relationship that was going to come of us being together. When you're 19, it's more important to do whatever your friends are doing, whatever party they're going to. We didn't know who we were or who we wanted to be. It's amazing what you can remember when all you have left are memories. I love you was never specifically said by either of us, but I remember feeling it. Have you ever just known that someone loves you? That's how I felt every day since I met him. Even when we weren't together, I knew he would always love me. I knew that this boy was in this world, and I knew that we could really be something incredible. It just wasn't quite our time yet...

Blow.

"In the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. " - Blow 

Wedding Song.

"With every breath I breathe

I'm making history

With your name on my lips

The ages fall to bits

In flames I sleep soundly

With angels around me

I lay at your feet

You're the breath that I breathe

Some kind of violent bliss

Led me to love like this

One thousand deaths my dear

I'm dying without you here

In flames I sleep soundly

With angels around me

I lay at your feet

You're the breath that I breathe

You're the breath that I breathe

The breath that I breathe

The breath that I breathe

You're the breath that I breathe"

Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Wedding Song

Day 21.

Boo,

There are so many things that I'd like to say to you, but I will never get the chance. I'm not ready to say goodbye and I'm not ready for our love story to end. I'm so numb to how much I miss you. I'm so hurt by how much I need you. And I'm so sad because of how much I love you. I will continue to love you for all of my days. The world feels so empty and so lonely without you in it. I miss the children we never got to have. I miss laying on the couch together watching our shows. I miss falling asleep next to you and waking up next to you the following morning, every day. I miss getting annoyed with you. I miss getting mad at you. I just don't understand how we ended up here- how you ended up leaving me. I thought you cheated death in July and that it was all going to be okay. I thought that we'd make it. I never imagined being without you, even for a minute. I try so hard to fill the void with anyone who I can talk to, to distract myself from remembering that you aren't here. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I loved you more. I did, and I do. I keep replaying our days out in my end, wishing so badly we were back at the beginning. Before you got sick. Before I lost you. You were my soul mate, the reason I felt safe. It's so hard to not be angry at God for taking you from me. And I am so angry at myself for not saving you again. I would give anything to have saved you. It was my job to protect you, and I'm so sorry that I failed. It's so scary to me that it's already been 21 days, because it feels like a century ago that I was able to talk to you, to touch you, to be with you. My heart feels like cement that's pulling me to the ground. The first week was the worst. I remember feeling like I had absolutely nothing to live for. You are the reason I breathe. You are the reason I am continuing to breathe. I took our love for granted. I took you for granted. I thought we'd have the rest of our lives to do all of these things that we wanted to do, and for that I am so sorry. I have this thought that you're okay without me now. I know it's selfish and it's so silly, I just can't believe we're not together and I'm supposed to just go on with my life. I don't know who I'll talk to about my day, or make dinner with. The world is so much scarier without you in it, boo. Everything good that I ever do in my life or with my life is going to be for you and because of you. Remember when we began? We couldn't have been more in love. I knew right away that you'd love me forever. I can't believe your forever was so short lived. I can't believe how many times a day I am forced to realize this is all really true. I'm trying to be so strong for you. I know that you didn't want to leave me and I don't want you to feel guilty for that. The days seem so much longer now. They went by so quickly when you were here because there were never enough hours in the day to spend with each other. I can't believe that God chose me to be with you until the end. I know there was a purpose for that and I wish I could find it. I promise I will love you until my very last breath. I can't wait to be with you again. I hope we pick up right where we left off.

"Because death is the only thing that could have ever kept him from you"

Day 14.

I can't tell you what days 1-12 were like, because around day 12 is when I started to wake up. I feel as if my entire life is shattered into pieces, and I'm desperately trying to pick up what's left. What I can tell you, is that I'm terrified, sad, desperate, and alone. Even if I start to feel better eventually, I will never be the same. I will never get over this. I will never understand why someone who was so happy and wanted to live so badly was taken from me and everyone he loved, so quickly. I wish I could say that day 14 is easier than day 1, but that would be a lie. Every passing day that I can't talk to him hurts worse than the day prior. I would do absolutely anything to have him back, even if just for a moment. You think you have all the time in the world...to buy a house, to start having kids, to grow old together. I learned very quickly and the hard way that it simply isn't true. There are so many things I would have done differently given the chance. There are also things I would have done the exact same way. I'm so grateful that we met, fell in love, and got married. I'm just so sad that it was cut so short.