I just came to say hello

Hi boo, I haven't talked to you in 44 days. Every single one of those days have lasted for what felt like a lifetime. There isn't a single one of those days that I don't talk about you, or think about you all day long. It breaks my heart to know that the number is only going to get higher. I feel so empty not having bought you anything for Christmas. By now, any other year we've been together, you would have given me my gifts. This year I wanted to surprise you with a long weekend somewhere. Either a bed and breakfast in Michigan, or New Orleans, or somewhere we've never been together. There are so many days that I function fine and I'm healing. The other days, I'm anxious, sad, and a mess. I'm gripping onto you so tight because I know that I've lost you and I can't accept that yet. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I will never be ready to say goodbye to you. Remember our first Christmas together this time? You got us tickets to see Wicked in St Louis. We only went for the night and we were just so excited to go away together. I ended up getting a fever and really sick after the play, so you took care of me until I fell asleep. I miss you so much, the words have absolutely no meaning compared to the way I feel. I could never express the emptiness I feel in my heart, and especially in my world. My days are so different. Sometimes I remember the day I lost you, and I cannot breathe. It feels like someone punched me in the stomach, or pushed me to the ground and knocked the wind out of me. I will never get used to that feeling. I like to believe that you're going to come home. I still have your toothbrush in the bathroom. Can you believe it's been this long, boo? 44 days....we couldn't even go 44 hours without one another. And we've made it 44 days. I also wonder if you think about me, still love me, wish you were here. Because I do, I really do, and I wish so badly. My heart absolutely aches for you. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life without you next to me. You were my rock. You were my foundation and purpose. You kept me going when I didn't think I could go any longer. I love you more than anything in the world, my boo. I always, always will. Come remind me of a good memory in my dream, boo. Please come visit me, I love you so.

"A part of my very being had gone with him. Stories about us could, from them on, be told from only one perspective. Memories could be told but not shared.” ---John Corey Whaley, Where Things Come Back