Christmas has come and gone.

This Christmas was definitely a tough one. I saw people who also got married this year, celebrating their first Christmas as a married couple. I spent it without you. On Christmas morning, you were finally in one of my dreams, so it was extremely difficult to wake up. We were in the car together, you were driving, and we were talking. I woke up and immediately tried to go back to sleep, just to be with for you for a little longer. I look forward to the times you will visit me in my dreams. I broke down pretty badly today while driving home from the movies. I saw Sisters with your sisters. It still knocks the wind out of me remembering that you're gone. I am trying so hard to remain strong and hold onto the memories. I have also been drinking a lot of wine. My heart beats so fast sometimes, and I feel like I need to hold it in place. Words don't do justice for how much I miss you. I miss you oh so terribly, boo. Saying 'boo' was such an everyday routine, I catch myself almost saying it to people sometimes, but I want that nickname to be reserved for you. I will still occasionally call Jerbear boo, just as I always would. When people ask me how I am, I always think to myself, 'well, how about my heart? it's in a million little pieces'. I replay those last few days almost daily, what I would have done differently, etc. I'd do absolutely anything to have saved you. People keep telling me that time is going to heal my wounds, but time is making me so much sadder. Time is making it longer from the last time I was with you, and that breaks my heart all over again. I feel like you're so close and I just cant grasp you. I really like spending time with your friends, as well as mine, but it just makes me ache for you so badly. I mourn for you, and I mourn for the Charlie we never got to have. I'm just still flabbergasted that this even happened. How did we get here? What did I miss? Where did we go wrong? I remember telling you that I need to outlive you because you wouldn't be able to live without me. I never once in a million years could have imagined that it would happen before we grew old together. When you lose someone, you realize how much you really loved them. Of course you know that you love them while they're still here, but loss makes you much more aware. I lost my husband, my unborn children, my best friend, my rock, my soulmate, and my entire world. I just hope you know how much I love you and I always will.

“I think of how and why and what happened and the thoughts come easily, but the answers don't.” 

---James Frey, A Million Little Pieces