Time.

The problem with time I’ve learned, whether it’s the first two weeks I got to spend with you, or the final two months I got to spend with him; eventually, time always runs out. No matter how many years go by, I know one thing to be as true as it ever was—I’ll see you soon, then.

Time keeps moving on.

Hi boo, it's been a while. I'm really busy with work and school again. I had to call in sick on Friday because I had a fever. Thursday night was the usual routine...I battled back and forth debating if I should just go in or not. When the fever got higher, I decided it was time I started taking care of myself before I take care of other people. I think I missed you most in that very moment, in this very weekend. My world slowed down and I was aware of the big hole I have in my life. It's easy to keep myself busy and bury it for a while, but it was extra prevalent this weekend. I spent a lot of time in bed, thinking about you, thinking about what we'd be watching or playing together. I don't think I have ever felt so alone. I can't believe it's been almost 6 months. There are so many things I'd say, so many things I'd do if you were here. I wish you were coming with to Ireland. I know you'll be there, but in the present sense way that I wish you would be. It feels like it'll be lightyears before I get to see you again and I hate that. I wish we could take Molly for a walk through downtown Lombard. She is just as much of a celeb as she was back then. I moved the bed, boo. I was hoping it would help me sleep better. I started to look through the things you had under the bed, but stopped pretty quickly. I just don't know when or if I'll ever be ready to get rid of your things. I miss you so much. I always believed in soulmates, and assumed you were mine, but I was never really sure until you left. I truly believe that apart of my soul is missing, and it always will be until it's reunited with yours. The days just last so much longer knowing I have to live my entire life through without you. I'm sorry that it's been so long since I've written to you. Please come visit me soon.

5 Months.

11/8/15 ❤ 5 months down, a million more to go. The last thing my husband did before he passed away was take my glasses off after I had fallen asleep in them. This was a pretty frequent occurrence, and still is. Every time he did this, I'd grunt because it woke me up. The last thing he said to me before he passed away in his sleep was, "it's okay boo, that's my job" as he kissed me. I miss him more than I could possibly fathom into words. I'm so lucky to have had such a genuine human being in my life- though they are few and far between. I love him more than anything and no amount of time that passes will ever change that. I miss you, boo. ❤

This.

It's so hard how fast things change and how quickly they will never be the way they were. And you keep feeling like you want to go home- but you are home, it just doesn't feel like home anymore. And you want to sleep, you want to sleep so badly....but sleep isn't restful. And you wake up just to remember that THIS is your reality, that this is real. Because when you wake up every morning your life feels like a dream. And you get out of bed, you smile at people, you take care of yourself and even others. And you just keep going. No matter how badly it hurts to keep going without someone you've lost. And winter will become spring, which will become summer, and we'll be full circle before we even realize it. And those are just more days, more months and more seasons without you. One third of a year, four months, feels like eternity. And then it'll become years, which you really can't even fathom. But you keep fighting like hell because that's the only thing you've ever known how to do.

Live.

Will I tell you that she lived happily ever after? I will not, for no one ever does. But there was happiness. And she did live. -Stephen King

It's always going to be you.

I knew I did from that first moment we met. It was… Not love at first sight exactly, but - familiarity. Like: oh, hello, it’s you. It’s going to be you.

Greys Anatomy

"The truth is, it's sort of a myth. We can't boil every injury down to one single blow. 

What hurts us is cumulative, it happens over time. 

We absorb blow after blow, shock after shock, painful hit after hit. 

But even then, even if we know exactly how we got here, it doesn't mean we can fix it. 

You can't heal every wound, and that's okay, I have to believe it's okay. 

I have to believe that even if something seems it cannot be fixed, it doesn't mean it's broken."

Sea.

In a sea full of people, 

my eyes will always search for you. 

Life.

I saw a medium on Sunday, which was really incredible. It made me feel like you were really with me. She knew that my biggest fear in life is to have a boy with red hair (haha). She knew that I cry at night, wear your clothing, ask daily for signs. I'm so happy you came to talk to me, boo. I've missed you so much! My dad also came through, and I'm glad to know that the two of you have finally met. I had two nightmares last night, though. The first one was that you were randomly alive again. We went out somewhere with my brother, and as we started to walk down a set of stairs, your eyes rolled back and you started falling backwards. I started screaming for someone to call 911, and woke up screaming. I eventually fell asleep again, just to wake up from another nightmare. In this one, we were at a bar with a few friends. I saw the look in your eyes that resembled the way you looked the day before you passed. I started sobbing and told everyone I needed to take you to the hospital and to keep you awake. I knew that if you fell asleep, you'd be gone. It still absolutely boggles my mind that you're gone. Your life was too short, and so was the life we had together. I love you so much.

The answer is always yes....

Sometimes, I like to look at you from across the room

And I think, "if I didn't know this girl, would I still fall in love?"

What's the answer?

"Yes...yes."

Letting go.

"It's okay," he tells me. "If you want to go. Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever wanted anything in my life. But that's what I want and I could see why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay if you want to stop fighting." -If I Stay

Leavin'

"Now I'm leaving

Any moment I'll be gone

I think you'll notice

I think you'll wonder what went wrong

I'm not choosing

But I'm running out of fight

And this was decided so long ago

It was last night"

-If I stay

Coldplay- The Scientist

                                                  

                                                     Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

                                                        You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you

Tell you I need you

Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets

And ask me your questions

Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles

Coming up tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start

I was just guessing

At numbers and figures

Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science

Science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me

Come back and haunt me

Oh, and I rush to the start

Running in circles

Chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh, it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

Oh [x4]

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry...

Hi boo. I haven't been here in a while. I have missed you so very much. Today, I officially changed my last name. I wish you were here to see it. I'm really good at pretending all is fine on the outside. The truth is, I am so very terrified of living without you. It isn't fair. Part of me is so scared to be happy because I can't imagine what else could possibly happen. LA was a blast, I wish you had come with me. I saw a psychic who immediately mentioned my emotional pain, lots of loss and tears throughout my lifetime. I don't know why some days hit me so much harder than others. It's such an up and down rollercoaster. It just makes me so sad that you're never coming home. I try to occupy and distract myself as much as humanly possible, but it's only a short resolution. I have never in my entire life had my heart hurt so much. Please come visit me soon boo, it's been so long since I've felt you near me. I need you so terribly. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I don't know how I'm here without you. Sometimes I feel absolutely nothing, and other times it's all too intense to feel. I just want you to come home and I want everything to be normal again boo. It's not fair that you were taken away from me. I love you so much.

Almost 10 weeks later.

So, here I am. It's almost been 10 weeks. Today, your sister and I went through clothing and picked out what we wanted to use for the quilts of clothing that is being made. After she left, I broke down. The closet looked so bare, and I felt as if you had moved out. I guess part of me will always feel like you're going to walk through the door at any given time. It's silly, and not realistic, but it's how I feel. I then went through a bin of your clothes, I had started a load of laundry before I found you that morning. I kept those clothes in a bin and haven't touched them until today. In there, I found the shirt you were wearing that day that was cut open. I nearly collapses to the floor with it. My heart sank and broke at the same time. I then rearranged the closet so it isn't so bare. It's still VERY surreal to me. I knew it would be hard going through the clothes, but I had absolutely no idea how intense my emotions would get once it was over. The end result, when I have a quilt of your clothing, will be worth it. I guess a lot of times, I put quotes in my blog because sometimes they are exactly what I feel. And sometimes, I just don't have the words. It feels like it's been 9 years, let alone 9 weeks. You feel so distant from me, and it's nothing I've ever imagined in my wildest dreams. If there is anything that I've learned from this, it's that life is too short. We had so much of our lives planned out and it was abruptly stopped and ripped right from under us. Which means, I will no longer stick to plans and not let myself live my life. I hope that I make you proud and I hope that you never truly leave my side. I could never live without you, boo.

"There's a corner of my heart that is yours. And I don't mean for now, or until I find somebody else, I mean forever. I mean to say that whether I fall in love a thousand times over or once or never again, there'll always be a small quiet place in my heart that belongs only to you." Beau Taplin, The Corner.

Tu me manques

“In French, you don’t really say ‘I miss you. You say ‘tu me manques,’ which is closer to ‘you are missing from me.’ I love that.’You are missing from me.’ You are a part of me, you are essential to my being. You are like a limb, or an organ, or blood. I cannot function without you.”   Unknown