Love Always.

I feel myself very often get an overwhelming feeling that I just don't know how to exist without you. You are my entire world, and it's shattered. I'm fighting like hell to be strong and to keep pushing through it. I love you. I breathe for you. 

Where it all began.

I can still remember the day we met like it was yesterday. We had been talking online and on the phone, thanks to a mutual friend who thought we'd like each other. I remember the nervousness in his mannerisms. We decided to go out and see a local band called Wax On Radio play, and he was going to pick me up. My best friend Erin also liked the band, so I made her come with. I was too nervous to meet him on my own. He was shy, quiet, and anxious. I was peaceful. "I have a friend Mikey that we can meet up with before the show", he said. Erin grilled him, like the usual best friend would. "I was nervous that you'd be a serial killer", she said, playfully. This made him even more nervous. When we arrived in DeKalb, we met up with Mikey just as we had planned. We also met up with a friend of mine who also happened to go to Northern Illinois University. I can still feel the crisp fall weather, as if I were standing in it now. Leaves were on the ground, it was cool enough for a light jacket, in early to mid October of 2006. Looking back, I would have never guessed this boy would one day become my husband. He was incredibly gentle, kind, and sweet. Not the typical boy I was used to at 19 years old. We were young, drinking any alcohol that we were able to get from those who are of age. Being as tiny as I was, the alcohol hit me quickly. We arrived at the show, and I remember going to the bathroom with Erin. "What do you think of him?", I said, waiting for her approval. I can still see him sitting in the chair toward the back of the room as I walked out of the bathroom. I will never forget the way he looked at me, because nobody has ever looked at me like that before. I walked straight across the room and sat on his lap, more confident due to the alcohol. I don't think we paid much attention to the band playing that night. We were all over one another, making out like junior high school kids. After the show, we went to McDonald's and then we decided we were going to stay in DeKalb over night because we had been drinking. Erin stayed with our other best friend Brittany who was attending school there. I don't know why Brittany wasn't also out with us this night. I decided to stay with Brad and his friend. We slept on his cold dorm room floor, snuggled up, kissing all night. Mikey's roommate repetitively told us to be quiet, "you guys kiss so loud!" We were so young, neither one of us knew what to expect out of this night, we just wanted it to last forever. I truly believe it's possible to kiss somebody, even for the first time, and know that you could really love them. I remember feeling that and it scared me. His band played a Halloween show that year. He dressed up as a penquin and I was a lady bug. There were over a dozen people in the room and the only one he noticed was me. The way that he looked at me was every girls dream. The guy on stage, playing his guitar, eyes locked on you. We dated for about a month or two that year, getting to know one another. We weren't ready for the type of relationship that was going to come of us being together. When you're 19, it's more important to do whatever your friends are doing, whatever party they're going to. We didn't know who we were or who we wanted to be. It's amazing what you can remember when all you have left are memories. I love you was never specifically said by either of us, but I remember feeling it. Have you ever just known that someone loves you? That's how I felt every day since I met him. Even when we weren't together, I knew he would always love me. I knew that this boy was in this world, and I knew that we could really be something incredible. It just wasn't quite our time yet...

Blow.

"In the end, was it worth it? Jesus Christ. How irreparably changed my life has become. It's always the last day of summer and I've been left out in the cold with no door to get back in. I'll grant you I've had more than my share of poignant moments. Life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. Throughout my lifetime, I've left pieces of my heart here and there. And now, there's almost not enough to stay alive. But I force a smile, knowing that my ambition far exceeded my talent. " - Blow 

Wedding Song.

"With every breath I breathe

I'm making history

With your name on my lips

The ages fall to bits

In flames I sleep soundly

With angels around me

I lay at your feet

You're the breath that I breathe

Some kind of violent bliss

Led me to love like this

One thousand deaths my dear

I'm dying without you here

In flames I sleep soundly

With angels around me

I lay at your feet

You're the breath that I breathe

You're the breath that I breathe

The breath that I breathe

The breath that I breathe

You're the breath that I breathe"

Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Wedding Song

Day 21.

Boo,

There are so many things that I'd like to say to you, but I will never get the chance. I'm not ready to say goodbye and I'm not ready for our love story to end. I'm so numb to how much I miss you. I'm so hurt by how much I need you. And I'm so sad because of how much I love you. I will continue to love you for all of my days. The world feels so empty and so lonely without you in it. I miss the children we never got to have. I miss laying on the couch together watching our shows. I miss falling asleep next to you and waking up next to you the following morning, every day. I miss getting annoyed with you. I miss getting mad at you. I just don't understand how we ended up here- how you ended up leaving me. I thought you cheated death in July and that it was all going to be okay. I thought that we'd make it. I never imagined being without you, even for a minute. I try so hard to fill the void with anyone who I can talk to, to distract myself from remembering that you aren't here. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I loved you more. I did, and I do. I keep replaying our days out in my end, wishing so badly we were back at the beginning. Before you got sick. Before I lost you. You were my soul mate, the reason I felt safe. It's so hard to not be angry at God for taking you from me. And I am so angry at myself for not saving you again. I would give anything to have saved you. It was my job to protect you, and I'm so sorry that I failed. It's so scary to me that it's already been 21 days, because it feels like a century ago that I was able to talk to you, to touch you, to be with you. My heart feels like cement that's pulling me to the ground. The first week was the worst. I remember feeling like I had absolutely nothing to live for. You are the reason I breathe. You are the reason I am continuing to breathe. I took our love for granted. I took you for granted. I thought we'd have the rest of our lives to do all of these things that we wanted to do, and for that I am so sorry. I have this thought that you're okay without me now. I know it's selfish and it's so silly, I just can't believe we're not together and I'm supposed to just go on with my life. I don't know who I'll talk to about my day, or make dinner with. The world is so much scarier without you in it, boo. Everything good that I ever do in my life or with my life is going to be for you and because of you. Remember when we began? We couldn't have been more in love. I knew right away that you'd love me forever. I can't believe your forever was so short lived. I can't believe how many times a day I am forced to realize this is all really true. I'm trying to be so strong for you. I know that you didn't want to leave me and I don't want you to feel guilty for that. The days seem so much longer now. They went by so quickly when you were here because there were never enough hours in the day to spend with each other. I can't believe that God chose me to be with you until the end. I know there was a purpose for that and I wish I could find it. I promise I will love you until my very last breath. I can't wait to be with you again. I hope we pick up right where we left off.

"Because death is the only thing that could have ever kept him from you"

Day 14.

I can't tell you what days 1-12 were like, because around day 12 is when I started to wake up. I feel as if my entire life is shattered into pieces, and I'm desperately trying to pick up what's left. What I can tell you, is that I'm terrified, sad, desperate, and alone. Even if I start to feel better eventually, I will never be the same. I will never get over this. I will never understand why someone who was so happy and wanted to live so badly was taken from me and everyone he loved, so quickly. I wish I could say that day 14 is easier than day 1, but that would be a lie. Every passing day that I can't talk to him hurts worse than the day prior. I would do absolutely anything to have him back, even if just for a moment. You think you have all the time in the world...to buy a house, to start having kids, to grow old together. I learned very quickly and the hard way that it simply isn't true. There are so many things I would have done differently given the chance. There are also things I would have done the exact same way. I'm so grateful that we met, fell in love, and got married. I'm just so sad that it was cut so short.